I ended my night the best way I knew how last night. No matter how I felt at the time, no matter what I had gone through in the past few weeks, I’ve tried my best to remain positive and keep up with the flow of the guided meditations. Honestly I had been keeping up and I was knocking them out sometimes before sunrise prior to starting my day. This had been the first time since I began doing these that I was actually in rhythm and freely flowing. I was open and freely sharing with no thoughts on who would read or if anyone would read at all. It seemed like the more open I got the more static began to arise in my life.

Each thing that has been thrown at me I haven’t managed to dodge but I most certainly got through. Some were mistakes of my own and some were projections of “idkwtf” thrust upon me by others. Somewhere in the midst of that I was sleeping less from just being so enthralled in my work and traveling. I completely crashed. I had a full on anxiety attack that I discussed in one of the mediations I believe it was Day 5 and I was completely over everything. When my body became weak so did my spirit, I didn’t feel defeated and I didn’t feel broken. What I felt was immensely intense and I just kept telling myself it’ll be over soon. When soon didn’t come I remember staring up at the ceiling and saying out loud, “What do I need to know, what do you want me to see?” I could not take anymore. No matter how hard I tried to deflect, ignore, or be still; I could not find peace. My body was weak, my spirit was broken, and then my mind let loose.

My ego showed up in people, in my imagination, and in myself. I contained it in myself and I swear on everything I love that I could physically feel the tension within me. When something couldn’t affect me in one arena, it jumped to the next. One thing about it though is no matter its shape, form, or package; you cannot mask negativity. You cannot mistake darkness for light when you bask in sunrises daily. My life is light, I am light. I also found out I was strong…again. All those uncomfortable things and intense situations I’ve felt and been feeling are gone. I couldn’t even post yesterday’s meditation because the internal battle within me was so strong I couldn’t get through it. So as I was beginning my day today I sat outside on the ground in my backyard listening to the birds and feeling the breeze. I knew I was myself again and I knew I was free because as the birds chirped, I thought of that stupid song and smiled because I knew it was over.

I made my way inside and decided to pick up on my meditation. I paused in the middle and began writing this post. It’s Spring and I may not have blossomed on the equinox but now that I think about it none of the flowers do. It’s really just the beginning of the season when the blossoming happens. But just know, my head is out of the dirt and it’s my season.

If you think for one second that I am above having difficulty in my life, this must be the first post you’ve read on here. If you think that I believe I’m above hardship you couldn’t be further from the truth. When you grow, your problems don’t stop they just change. And even in that regard some things of today will dig up old issues from the past. It’s about what we do move past the obstacles at hand. Sometimes we actively have a role and others we must simply be still.

But whoever you are, wherever you may be, pain passes…love is forever. Find something you love something that is part of you. Not another person, not a pet, not a possession. All of those things are temporary. If it’s nothing more than being thankful you aren’t where you once were or the desire grow from where you stand, that should be more than enough. It is enough. You are enough.

 

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